RACHEL: Welcome to 'The Insanity Show! I'm one of your hosts, Rachel, and this is your other host, Sarah.
SARAH: Hello everyone! Today we will be interviewing some of the characters from Star Trek. Say 'hi' to the camera, everyone!
SPOCK: *raises eyebrow*
KIRK:*combing hair* What? Are we on? *looks up* Hello!
DATA: 'Hi'
PICARD: Hello.
SARAH: So...hi. What's up?
SPOCK: The sky, the clouds, the ceiling, the s-
SARAH: Maybe I should rephrase that. How are things going for all of you?
DATA: What things?
RACHEL: *slaps forehead* I told you we should have stuck to humans...Anyway, on to the first topic. Ahem. *pulls out script, reads* 'How Kirk Is Pathetic Without Spock.' Interesting.....
KIRK: WHAT!?!?!
SARAH: That's what it says.
KIRK: I'm not pathetic!
RACHEL: The polls disagree.
DATA: Based on the fact that I do not know either of the two, may I be excused from the discussion?
SARAH: Certainly. The lobby is down the hall and to the left. *Data leaves* You too, Picard?
PICARD: I'll stay.
KIRK: Yes, stay and join me in the glorious battle against offensive blond sadists!
PICARD: *to Sarah* Where did you say the lobby was?
SARAH: *repeats directions* Back to the discussion.
KIRK: I am NOT pathetic!
RACHEL: Oh yeah?
KIRK: Yeah!
SARAH: Then how come in The Search for Spock, when, I might point out, he is not around to correct your mistakes, you blow up your ship?
KIRK: Um....
RACHEL: And, in the one movie he is entirely not in, you die! Twice!
SPOCK: *looking interested* Is that medically possible?
KIRK: Shut up, pointy ears!
SARAH: Actually, I like the ears.
RACHEL: So do I.
SPOCK: This could be the first time that someone has.
KIRK: No, there was that giant bug-thing from Devil in the Dark.
RACHEL: Do you have a point?
KIRK: *nods head* That only freaky bugs and geeks like the ears.
SARAH: Watch it, fat boy!
KIRK: I'm not fat!
RACHEL: For fear of losing one or more of our guest stars, I think it's time to end this discussion.
--------COMMERCIAL BREAK------
RACHEL: Well, we're back, and after 10 minutes of assuring Kirk that he is neither pathetic nor fat, we will be resuming the discussions. So....next topic: 'What Was Your Least Favorite Episode?' Kirk?
KIRK: Probably A Private Little War.
RACHEL: And why is that?
KIRK: My hair got messed up!
SARAH: You also get attacked by a giant poisonous monkey-thing, if I remember correctly.
KIRK: Yes! That was how my hair got messed up!
SARAH: *cough* egotistical *cough* And your least favorite episode, Spock?
SPOCK: Same here.
RACHEL: *sarcastically* What, did something happen to your hair, too?
SPOCK: No, I was shot.
SARAH: That sucks.
SPOCK: Every time I beam down, there's always something lurking around down there that says, ' I'll aim for the Vulcan.' Everything always seems to happen to me.
RACHEL: That's probably because things can happen to you that would kill humans.
SPOCK: So, basically, I'm a reusable target.
SARAH: With cool ears. At least you're not an extra.
SPOCK: A what?
RACHEL: An expendable crewman.
SPOCK: Huh?
RACHEL: You know, a redshirt. One of those guys that you beam down that never beams back up.
SPOCK: Oh, them.
SARAH: By the way, you've survived about twenty things that would have killed some of them.
KIRK: What about me? Am I invulnerable, too?
SARAH: No idea. Spock is always around to save you.
KIRK: WHAT!!!!
SARAH: Er...I appear to have offended you again.
KIRK: Have you forgotten the episode where he tries to KILL me?
RACHEL: You're right, McCoy probably saves you in that one......
KIRK: WHAT!!!!!!!!!
RACHEL: Your ego is very easily bruised, I see. End of discussion! *sigh* And will someone please get Data and Picard back in here?
-------COMMERCIAL BREAK-------
SARAH: And we're back, and by now it seems that Data and Picard have decided to show up. *glares at them*
PICARD: What?
DATA: That mechanism in the lobby refered to as a 'vending machine' is most interesting.
RACHEL: What a coincidence, our next topic will discuss an interesting machine as well. Ahem. 'Did The
KIRK: Old.
PICARD: New.
KIRK: No, old.
PICARD: New.
KIRK: Old!
PICARD: NEW!
SARAH: STOP IT!
(Kirk and Picard cease fighting to look at her)
RACHEL: Can either of you give us a reason why it looked better either way?
KIRK: The old one is a classic. The new one is all .... weird.
PICARD: Just 'cause yours doesn't work doesn't make mine weird.
KIRK: What do you mean, doesn't work?
PICARD: It can't go three episodes without a transporter malfunction, or a major power loss, or something blowing up! Now, it could just be that you have a horrible chief engineer-
KIRK: My chief engineer is better than yours, thank you very much!
PICARD: Your chief engineer goes home and gets drunk!
KIRK: Oh yeah? Well, your chief engineer goes home and reads kiddie books for a children's program!
PICARD: *stands up* Say that again, you miserable little-!
KIRK: Come and get it, Baldy!
(They lunge for each other)
RACHEL: Picard, Kirk! Calm down! There's no shame in kiddie pro-aaaagh! *she ducks a flying chair* Spock! Data! Please control your, um, emotional friends!
(Spock and Data sigh, get up. Relative chaos ensues)
SARAH: Commercial break! Commercial break!!
---------COMMERCIAL BREAK---------
(Sarah and Rachel are back in their chairs, looking very disheveled. Data and Spock are sitting calmly. Kirk is unconcious, complements of a Vulcan neck pinch, and Picard has been duct-taped to the wall.)
SARAH: That was..... exciting. *nods to Spock and Data* Thanks, guys. Spock, are you sure humans can't learn to do that neck- pinch thing?
SPOCK: Positive.
SARAH: Darn, it'd come in handy if we ever do something like this again.
DATA: Now what?
RACHEL: Now, we either get two magic markers and some lipstick, or we lock them in a room full of overenthusiastic Trekkies.
PICARD: *with his mouth duct-taped shut* MMMMMMMM! MMMPH!
RACHEL: Fine, I'll relent. I need a knife....or better yet, a phaser! Fun! *steals Kirk's phaser and points it at Picard* How do you aim this thing?
PICARD: MMMMMMMMMPH!!
RACHEL: Oh, here's the button. *phasers off duct tape* Cool!
PICARD: *falls on floor* Mmmmph!
SARAH: Can we be a little more mature from now on?
PICARD: Mmmm-hmm.
SARAH: *removes remaining duct tape* That'd better be a yes, 'cause we still might use the Trekkie idea.
PICARD: Mercy!
RACHEL: Get back in your chair, Captain. No, ex that. Go get me some ice water.
(Picard goes into lobby, comes back with a bottle of water)
PICARD: Will this do?
RACHEL: *takes bottle* Perfect, thanks. *pours water on the still unconcious Kirk*
KIRK: *wakes up* Gahhh! *pats his head* YOU KILLED MY HAIR! Do you have any idea how long I worked to make it perfect?!?
SPOCK: Two hours, eleven minutes, and seventeen-
SARAH: Spock, have you ever heard the expression T.M.I., meaning Too Much Information?
SPOCK: I am not familiar with that phrase.
SARAH: I didn't think so. Anyway, end of discussion!
-----------COMMERCIAL BREAK---------
RACHEL: Now, this is almost over, and we're just going to ask a few more questions. As a precaution, we've duct-taped Picard and Kirk to their chairs.
KIRK: This is so undignified.
SARAH: Tough luck. Okay, the first question is: What is the most annoying thing that has ever happened to you?
KIRK: This interview.
PICARD: Same here.
RACHEL: Wimps. Data?
DATA: Coping with emotions for the first time was 'annoying'.
SARAH: I'd call that traumatic, but, hey, whatever works for you. Spock?
SPOCK: I am incapable of experiencing emotion.
RACHEL: Fine. If, God forbid, you were human, what would annoy you?
SPOCK: Out of curiousity, what makes you think I'll tell you?
RACHEL: I still have Kirk's phaser.
SPOCK: !!?!!?!!?!! Are you an interviewer or a villian?
RACHEL: I'm an interviewer who's tired of not having her questions answered.
SPOCK: So you're a villian.
SARAH: Well, if you're too chicken to answer the question...*grabs Kirk's communicator and opens it* Hello,
SULU: *from communicator* Sulu, in temporary command of the
SARAH: Send Dr. McCoy down .... with a HAPPINESS SYRINGE!
SPOCK: No! I'll answer!
SARAH: You just did.
SPOCK: Not fair.
RACHEL: Okay.... next question. What is one thing, like a belief, concept, or theory, that is always true and relatively universal?
KIRK: My good looks.
SPOCK: The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.
RACHEL: Psh, clearly neither of you have watched Star Trek III. Both wrong.
DATA: E=mc2.
SARAH: Wow, that was original. Picard?
PICARD: Interviewers are annoying.
SARAH AND RACHEL: We try.
SARAH: And here is the final question: If you could have one wish, what would it be?
KIRK: To get out of this #&$%#@&#! chair!!!
RACHEL: Language, language! What wishes would everyone else pick?
DATA: To be a real human.
SARAH: Thanks, Pinocchio. Picard?
PICARD: I would wish for....HAIR! *sobs*
SARAH: Jeez, and I thought Kirk was bad.
RACHEL: You, Spock, would no doubt wish for something logical?
SPOCK: Indeed.....
SARAH: Well, what?
SPOCK: I wish the interview was over. Who knows what trouble the ship's gotten into while we were down here!
RACHEL: Wish granted!
SARAH: See you next time, folks, on 'The Insanity Show!'
KIRK: And somebody get rid of the tape!
1 comment:
aha this is good post..
thanks rachel
best,
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